Hey Carter.
Well I am at a loss for words tonight. I don't understand why babies die. Two of my mommy friends, one who was 22 weeks and knew her little girl was going to pass away and another one who was only 10 weeks along, lost their babies on the same day. I don't get it!!!!!! Why do babies die, Carter? Why are you gone? I know that there's no reason good enough for me to hear while I'm still on this earth, but I still wonder. I still look up to the sky and wonder what in the name of heck God is doing with so many little ones up there with him. He's got it all, why does He need babies too? Why did He need you up there? I would have taken great care of you down here. I would have given you all sorts of love and raised you to know Him. Why? Why? Why?
I'm sitting here in the chair with your kitty cat on my lap typing this to you while your daddy naps and your sister is asleep for the night. These are the times when my mind gets to wandering the most. Wandering isn't such a bad thing I guess. But I wonder if this baby inside of me right now will be ok. I wonder if it will outlive me. I wonder if he/she will look like you or like your big sister. I wonder who it will act like. Will he/she be super active like your sister or calm like you? There's no sense in really worrying about any of that I guess. But like I said, these are the times that my mind wanders....
I talked to my friend today who is hopefully going to adopt that little baby. She is excited/worried/restless you name it, she is it! She said the birth parents both seem totally on board with giving the baby up, which is a good thing. They even asked my friend and her husband if they wanted to be in the room when the baby was born. So, we'll see what happens. The baby is due on March 30th. I'm praying super hard for them!
Well little one. I suppose I should get ready for bed. I'm exhausted. Hopefully in a couple of weeks some of this tiredness will ease up. And hopefully the crankiness will too (I'm sure everyone around me is hoping for that too!) I love you, Carter. Sweet dreams tonight. I will talk to you again very soon. xoxoxoxo
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Well my dear sweet baby boy...today you would have been 6 months old...Bumpa and I have been Hannah's 1/2 bday grandparents...party party that's us! :) Every day I miss you...and yet I know it is nothing,compared to what your mommy and daddy feel. My heart breaks reading your mommy's blog...and yet I know I am so grateful she has the ability to say those words to you, because they need to be said and I don't know if she can say them out loud to anyone yet. People can be SO cruel and judgemental...how can that be when the people that are being judged have done nothing but suffer unimagineable loss? We who aren't afraid of realness and honesty and pain must be there to sit with those who's heart's have broken! They came out this week and have found evidence that people really can die of a broken heart. I fear so much for your mommies broken heart....how can any mommy bear losing 4 babies? I used to talk to your Great Grandpa Bernie a lot after he died especially after I delivered your mommy....the sweet baby girl he never got to meet-on this earth. It still gives me comfort to think of him being the one to hold, love and be proud of you in heaven...I still miss him, too...BUT, and I know that you know this Carter and I am absolutely sure that you are aware of how each day of this new pregnancy is an act of pure faith and courage for your momma...please, please help her dear sweet baby Carter...to know that it is ok for her to be looking forward to this new little sister/brother. I am sure that the sweet happy dream she had of you the other night was such a gift. Anyway...I am a mama-grandma bear where your mommy is concerned...I will fight with all I have to walk next to her through this pregnancy and through each day of her life...she is after all...my sweet "baby" girl. She is the one who was kicking me during my dad's funeral....she was the joy that came to me after great sorrow...she helped to bring me back to the land of "the living"...You my sweet little baby boy are the one that has taught me that "God is near"...no matter how dark everything is. I loved you, wanted to be your nana and will always love you and be your nana.
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